Archives For Funny


The last post was more informative about the different types of handshakes people do but now I want to be more instructive on some do’s and don’ts.  Consider them “guidelines” for hand shaking.

DON’TS

  • You are not allowed to shake a person’s hand either going in or out of the bathroom.  I does not matter how important they are there are just some locations where you can’t shake a man’s hand.
  • You are not allowed to shake a person’s hand longer than 5 seconds.  I really recommend a solid 2 second rule but will grant you a 3 second cushion if you need it.  Anything over 5 seconds is deemed unacceptable and worthy of reproach.
  • Guy’s only – You are not allowed to put lotion on your hand then shake my hand.  I once shook a guy’s hand and it felt like they had a skin graph from a baby’s bottom or something.  If I shake a man’s hand there has to be at least two to three callouses for it to be deemed acceptable.
  • You are not allowed to do wrestling moves with the hand shake.  This applies to the bone-crusher.  It’s just a greeting not a chance for you to dominate the world.
  • You are not allowed apply hand-sanitizer before you shake my hand.  If you are that worried about diseases then climb in a bubble with your humidifier, clorox spray and baby-wipes and shake your own hand.  If you are worried about shaking hands then do a fist-bump (also known as “a dap” or “a fist-pound”).
  • You are not allowed to sit there for longer than 3 seconds while I extend my hand out to shake yours.  Don’t be rude…

DO’S

  • Practice some balance.  Not too hard but not too soft.
  • Let the other person make the first move when grabbing the hand.  No need to be egotistical about it…if you let them do it then you will avoid the EPIC-FAIL hand shake.
  • Compliment people if they have a good hand shake.  I remember older men saying to me, “That’s a nice firm hand shake Robbie!”  It made me feel like a man!
  • Pay attention if they are disabled.  I am not being funny with this one but I once tried to shake a guy’s hand when it turns out the hand was not there.  Ok…laugh…he did.  He was cool about it but if I shake a person’s hand for the first time I always will look first to see what I am working with.
  • Shake hands with women but do it differently.  They don’t need a firm hand-shake unless they extend it to you.  Women need our gentle side when it comes to shaking their hand.  A side note…if I know you for a while then hand shaking is out the window and replaced by hugging.

Hope these have made you laugh and also will help you in a semi-serious way.  Enjoyed this!  Needed a break from serious posts.

 

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As a minister I shake a lot of hands whether greeting people or saying good bye and I have encountered many different types of hand-shakers.  They come in all shapes and sizes and I thought I would finally write a post about the types of hand-shakers and then some general do’s and dont’s.  Laugh at this…you may need it.

  1. The BONE-CRUSHER – No doubt you met this guy whose one goal in life is simple: dominate the world one bone-crushing hand-shake at a time.  It’s not enough to simply squeeze the person’s hand in an orderly fashion; the bone-crusher must relinquish all blood-flow to all working appendages in an effort to show the person who their daddy is.  Hand-shake shmand-shmake…it’s hand-killing time for this person.  Avoid this person at all costs.
  2. The DIVE-BOMBER – This person is the opposite of the bone-crusher as the DIVE-BOMBER is the most difficult to maneuver.  With the bone-crusher all you have to do is hang-on and pray that your hand is spared but the dive-bomber you have to make contact and literally keep their arms from dropping to the floor.  It’s like your hand has an electric charge that sends a powerful jolt to their nerves that causes all function of their arms to cease.
  3. The TWO-HANDER – This one is self-explanatory as it is not good enough for them to shake one of your hands as they take their other hand and either place it on your forearm (more acceptable) or they place it on top of your hand (unacceptable).  When I meet a two-hander I am not sure if they are trying to give me a psychic reading or simply shake my hand.  Their are man-laws that should prevent a person from doing a two-hander so please have some decency folks.
  4. The CLAMSTER – I hesitated adding this one as some people can’t help this but it is must be included for accuracy.  Have you ever shaken someone’s hand whose hand felt like they were about to address the nation of WW III?  It’s like they stuck their hand in water and kept it there until just before they saw you and then took it out and decided to share their vat of perspiration with your dry hands.
  5. The ICEBOX – Blood circulation is difficult but there are some folks who consistently have freezing hands.  Look, if I wanted to shake a cold hand I would have stuck one of my hands in liquid nitrogen and then shake it with the other hand.  I’m kidding.  LAUGH!!!
  6. The DUDE-SHAKE – I call this one the “dude” shake because of my skateboarding past where we had hand shakes that ended in a snap of the fingers.  Have you ever encountered someone who started shaking your hand but then it quickly morphed into a SO-YOU-THINK-YOU-CAN-DANCE handshake.  Pretty soon I wondered if I should ask what type of choreography the person did when he shook my hand.  I don’t care about a two-shakes-and-a-twist-fist-pump handshake….just shake it normally bro!
  7. The PETER-PAN SHAKE – Peter Pan could live forever in Neverland but there are some people who could shake your hand forever in this land.  I once shook a guy’s hand and he would not let me go for almost 15 seconds.  That is an eternity holding a guy’s hands.  Once past the safety-blanket of 5 seconds the hand-shake becomes the hand-hold which is against the man laws.
  8. The EPIC-FAIL SHAKE – There are just those people who can’t seem to connect hands in an accurate way.  They jump too quick and then the shake is off-kilter and we have to start the process all over again.  Or they go quick to shake only to miss the space between the thumb and the index finger and instead go for the index-finger between the middle-finger.  Epic fail.
  9. The CROW-HOPPER – A crow-hop is what baseball players do to throw a ball really fast and really long.  Some people will hide their arm lower and then spring on you like a crow.  Their desire is to shake your hand with more enthusiasm than a dog on a bone.  There is no build-up momentum for them just springing, relentless and unfeigned action.

I will give some do’s and dont’s tomorrow…


Here they are in ascending order…

#5 – Tim Hawkins “Christmas Songs” – Posted this before but it is a good laugh.

#4 – Tim Hawkins “Tim on Dangerous Toys (Part 2)” – Funny

#3 – Skit Guys “Christmas Eve Invite” – Funny but has some serious implications to it as to how we evangelize people.

#2 – “Amazing Grace Christmas Light House – Techno”  No I don’t advocate amazing grace to techno but you have to give it up for innovation

#1 – “This is Way” by Dustin Kensrue – An excellent contextual understanding of the birth of Jesus.  Absolutely Fabulous!!!

Fun Friday

November 5, 2010 — Leave a comment

A peak into the Mackenzie house…somewhat.

Monday Morning Smile :)

October 4, 2010 — 3 Comments

You know you need this…smile and enjoy…it’s only a minute out of your time.


I normally do not post on weekends but I could not resist given this is opening weekend for college football.  Since I do not have cable or dish (which means normally I would be in front of the TV) I am posting about types of fans you meet either at the ballpark or in the living room.  They come in all shapes and sizes.  Hope you enjoy this. 

  • THE PESSIMIST:  This is the fan who never thinks their team does anything good.  Comments like, “they always lose when I watch,” or, “they threw an incomplete pass, we’re done for the season” will ensue from the pessimist.  Or their team fumbles on the first play of the game and they throw their coke at the TV and scream (no I did not do that).  Yet, in spite of all of their pessimism they still watch the game.  Funny. 
  • THE GREENHORN:  This is the person who watches the game but has no clue about the mechanics of the game.  I was at a football game and when the team scored a touchdown I overheard a mom yell, “YAY!  We just scored a run.”  I shook my head and laughed.  If my college buddies (Johno, JP, HAYZ and Poge) heard someone say that they would turn to her and say, “She’s as green as they come.” 
  • THE IGNORANT:  This is the person who is such a fanatic that they think their team is going to win it every year.  Not that optimism is a bad thing but sometimes optimism can be ignorance.  I was at the Titans game on Thursday and I heard a UT (Tenn) fan who was asked whether USC or UT was a better program for a coach he said, “UT hands down.”  I am a fan of Tennessee and will be forever but my ignorance does not carry me that far 😉
  • THE OVER-ANALYZER:  Have you ever been at a game when the person next to you can’t sit and cheer because they are too busy analyzing whether the team should have run a spread X-Y cross hitch post route instead of the I-Form play action roll-out?      
  • THE DEER-IN-A-HEADLIGHT:  This one’s for you Johnny.   You ever seen that fan who is reading a book during the game, looking at the stars, playing with magic or singing to themselves (Amelia)?  They are simply there because someone forced them, they want to socialize or they want everyone to check out their new outfit they bought that is killer hot.  They look like a deer-in-a-headlight. 
  • THE GREATEST FAN IN THE WORLD:  This person is just glad to be there.  They didn’t have money for the tickets and the schedule cleared up for them to be there.  Someone graciously gave them tickets and so they went into the stadium smiling like a kid in a candy store.  They love being there and cherish every second, minute, play and outcome. 

I want you to do something with these…go through them and think how each fan could be applied to people in your church.  Yet Jesus died for each one of those regardless of who they are.  I am the greatest fan in the world of JEsus Christ.  I didn’t deserve for him to let me in but he did.  Every moment of my salvation is a gift from the father.  Have fun watching TV today and be thankful for where you are and what you are doing.  Blessings.


So a week ago I posted a rant about grocery stores (read it here) and thought I was good and got it all off my chest.  And then this morning this is what I saw…

 

If you read my post you will get a kick out of this but if you have not then read it again and then look at the picture.  Two things you need to know: 1) We are in the 20 items-or-less check out lane and 2) cokes were on sale today…he got most of them himself.  The person in front of me (holding the bananas) was irritated as well…little did he know I posted something a week ago.  I recognized the person who purchased these drinks and he owns a gas station in Robertson County and this is how he purchases his two litres.  I think it is cheaper to purchase it directly from Coca-Cola but oh well.  Wal-MArt made their profit…so did Coca-Cola…and I had to wait in line for this.  IRONY!!!


It has been a while since I have ranted but I could not resist after my experiences yesterday at the grocery store and then this morning.  I hope you understand this is all in good fun and I really do have good patience but this is a blog which is opinionated so it is a good place for me to release some things.  No doubt you share in some of the experiences I list but perhaps you could share some more.  Here they are in no particular order:

First with shoppers…

  • The pull-out-around-the-corner-without-looking shopper.  No doubt you are in a hurry to get your most important items but I don’t pull out of a driveway without looking so why should you pull out of an aisle and go full steam with your cart full of green beans? 
  • The on-sale-item-hoarder shopper.  You know who you are!!!  One time I went to get some 2-Liter cokes that were on sale for fifty cents and I saw people who had filled their shopping carts (2 of them actually) with the 2-liters leaving the rest of the shoppers with nothing.  I understand you are getting a bargain but why not drop the selfish plan and let other people save as well?
  • The not-so-20-items-or-less shopper.  This is a pet-peeve of mine and it happened this morning.  The fast lane is designed for 20 items or less but sometimes people are too impatient to go to the regular check out so they look at their buggies and think “I am ok” and then go to the fast lane checkout….with 40 items.  Suck it up and go to the regular lanes.  Which brings me to the next one…
  • The incompetent-self-check-out shopper.  No doubt you have seen the self check-out lanes at the grocery stores.  They are designed to help shoppers with few items not have to go to a regular check-out lane.  However, I have learned it is not faster.  You have people who sit there and wonder how they do it and then ask for help to ring something up and then ask for help on how to pay.  Then there are the ridiculous people who will bring a whole cart full of groceries to the self check-out lane.  At the end of the day I think some people would rather talk to a computer than have human interaction.  They don’t trust people with their groceries and this gives them control!   
  • The check-writing shopper.  Welcome to the 21st century people!  They do have debit cards that actually take the money right out of your account.  These people slow the line up tremendously because they wait to start writing their check until all of the groceries are scanned when they could have been utilizing that time for pre-writing the date, memo, signing it and who to make it out to.  Get with it people. 
  • The guardian-of-the-check-out-belt shopper.  These are the people who park their cart in front of the belt so you can’t put items on the belt with their items.  Then, to frustrate you even more, they put their items up one at a time as if to scorn your impatience with further lackadaisical measures.  
  • The double-paper-bag shopper. I know they make good trash bags and you use them all over the house but it takes forever for the bag-person to bag your groceries just because you want your canned items not to rip. 
  • The too-lazy-to-return-an-item-or-shopping-cart shopper.  I see people all the time putting items they do not want on shelves where they did not get the items.  One time a person just left ground beef on a shelf which meant it was going to spoil which meant it would cost the store money which meant prices will eventually increase.  Why?  Because you are lazy.  Also, people take your cart back!  No it does not go in a space between parking spots, no it does not go in a mulch bed, no it does not go on a curb and no it does not go by a light pole!  That is why they have buggy corrals so you can put them back where they belong.  this also prevents me from hitting a shopping cart with my vehicle or a shopping cart (because of gravity) rolling down an aisle and smashing my vehicle. 

Now for rants on the stores and their employees…

  • Shopping cart issues.  I always pick the wrong one.  The wheel that makes that wretched bouncing noise or the cart that makes a right turn when you let it go…I always pick the wrong one.  I have kids and so often they will want to sit in the cart but these carts are nasty and I always pick the one that has gum on it or coke or spilled milk or cheese or pizza or whatever. 
  • The talk-about-your-life cashier.  I do like talking with people but sometimes you get that awkward conversation that really makes you feel uncomfortable (which actually turns out to be a good ministry moment).  One girl told me about all of her tatoos…one girl told me about her child who was sick all night and she was sick too…one elderly lady told me about how she could not stand her current manager…one girl did not even say a word to me.
  • Unsympathetic Employees.  I have four kids and so sometimes bad things happen in the grocery store.  For example, we spilled something on the floor one time and an employee from a certain place (not mentioning names as it is rude but it rhymes with Fall-Cart) looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, “I’ll get it!”  I apologized and she did not even acknowledge me.  Look, I understand that it is inconvenient for you to clean up after my child and I didn’t ask for you to do it but offered to do it myself.  Your day may have been ruined and I understand your job may not be the greatest but until you walk a mile in my shoes don’t roll your eyes at me! 
  • Lazy Employees.  I posted one time about an experience I had in South Carolina when employees sat around watching me at the customer service desk as I stood there for 10 minutes while they said nothing.  Frustrating.     

I hope you enjoyed these as they were in  good fun.  Maybe next time you will be patient when you see a cashier or a shopper and learn to be peaceful with all men.  I digress…


Pregnant woman holding head, man in backgroundMany of you know my wife is pregnant with our 4th baby.  On Wednesday they will induce her and our baby will come into this world.  It is so much different with this one that the other three for a number of reasons.  With this one we have paid the bill in advance instead of a lump sum when the baby comes.  With this one we are far less nervous (on one level this frightens me) than the other three.  With this one Heather said that I should go back to work on Thursday where as with Kaleb I took a full week off.  At any rate I wanted to post something funny (please take it this way) about some things you should never say to a pregnant woman.  People sometimes have no couth whatsoever and often there is no filter between the nerves in their brain and the voice box in their throats.  We have had our fair share of people saying things to us (I mean 4 babies in 4 1/2 years!) so I want to warn you not to say the things below to a pregnant woman:

  1. “Are you having twins?”  I heard a few people say this at church and even in a grocery store and I thought how inappropriate that was.  The woman already knows that she is big and the last thing she needs to hear is a question about twins when she is already self-conscious about her weight.  I don’t walk up to women who are overweight and ask, “When is the baby due?” for this very same reason.  Variations of this include, “You are huge,” and, “You’re only 6 months pregnant?” and, “Sweetheart you look like you are about to explode,” and, “Does every pregnant woman look like this?”   
  2. “You look uncomfortable!”  Thank-you Captain Obvious!  The woman has carried the baby in her womb for close to 300 days…she probably can’t sleep at night…every 30 seconds she has to use the restroom and then towards the latter part of the pregnancy she has a 6-10 lb ADHD human being dancing with the stars in her belly.  Of course she is uncomfortable. 
  3. “Can I rub your belly?”  What? Are you serious?  Her belly is not a genie-lamp.  Don’t touch her. 
  4. “I am glad I am not you!”  What does that mean?  Perhaps your life-situation will not allow children or you are just not at that stage right now but the last thing a pregnant woman needs is your pity.  Instead of saying “I am glad I am not you,” try saying, “I am impressed at how strong, courageous and patient you are.  I am jealous!”   
  5. “You know what causes that don’t you?”  This is perhaps my biggest pet-peeve but it only occurs, I have noticed, if you have kids close together or if you have more than two kids.  People ask Heather and I this all the time and with each pregnancy I have grown more and more irritated at this question.  Heather is so sweet about this and patient but I tend to react a different way.  I am not sure why people say this because I wonder what they are trying to get at.  I mean barring an immaculate conception people should know how this process happens.  Sometimes I respond with sarcasm saying, “No I don’t know how it happened could you tell me how all of that works?”  One elderly man asked me that question (it was the third time he had said it) and I looked him and responded, “She finds me irresistible!”  He paused a moment and started laughing at me.  Not sure about that response either!    

So the next time you see a woman who is pregnant either don’t say anything at all (because she may not be pregnant 😉 ) or find something affirming to say to her.

For Your Enjoyment: “10 Things You Never Say to a Woman” at (http://irritatedtulsan.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/oops/).